You can’t say no? Do you want everyone in the room to like you? No one should ever humiliate you publicly, is it? You struggle to disagree with others openly, even when you know deep down you do! If we just defined you, then chances are you are a people pleaser. And like most people pleasers, you hate this song too – ‘Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna!’.
Have you been pleasing people without even realizing it? Then, here are some reasons why you might be a people pleaser and how you change it.
Common reasons you might be a people pleaser
There are countless reasons why you feel the need to make everyone happy. However, these three reasons that are the most common.
1. You want to fit in
This is an unconscious attempt to make friends with people who are not like you or who do not like you. You try to camouflage yourself by being like them.
2. You fear rejection
In a recent study, it was determined that rejection is the second scary thing for people, after snakes. You simply cannot accept rejection. The thought of someone leaving or bitching about you gets under your skin. You think pleasing everyone will keep the possibility of everyone liking you at bay. You cannot say no as you can’t take it.
3. You seek validation
Your idea of who you are is based on how many people love you and how much they love you. Even one person not liking you makes you uncomfortable.
How to stop being a people pleaser?
Here are some ways to stop pleasing people without being rude:
1. Draw mind maps before making any decision
Emotions can be tricky! You might be impulsive to say – yes without thinking. This is where you need to learn how to make a quick mind map before making any decisions. At the centre write the problem in short. Make at least four branches and try to find at least 2 reasons to say why you should say yes and 2 reasons why you should say no.
2. Create a private ‘wall of fame’
Find one private wall or drawer where you collect all the achievements. It is not for anyone else. Just for you. A food-deprived hungry man can get desperate for food. However, if a man is well fed then he can walk away from food. Similarly, when you privately (in your heart) know that you are amazing at awesome things, you do not seek validation from every single person you come across.
3. Practice how to say no to small things
Most people pleasers do not know how to disagree without losing that person. They get so caught up trying to please someone else, they forget how they want to be. Practice saying no to insignificant things. Politely say no to lending a book or waiting for someone after work hours. Consider saying no as your small wins.